Recently in Humor Category

When Pastor is preaching, please do not blow your nose. It is also very bad manners to keep blowing it and blowing it and blowing it. Also, once you escalate to cleaning each nostril ... repeatedly ... you have really gone too far. Not only is it distracting to the Pastor, but it is also very distracting to those sitting around you suppressing the urge to die in hysterical laughter or smack you upside your head.

By the way ... there is a restroom where you can take care of such non-hygienic endeavors. You will find soap, water, and a sink to wash your hands when you are done. There is also a trash can in there so that you can throw your tissue away. It really has no place in your pocket ... especially after all of that.

This is the first edition of What Not To Do In Church (WNTDIC). I hope it has been of some service to you. :)

Since Rick and I have turned Satchel's post on the speaking abilities of Sarah Palin vs. Barack Obama into a comment fest of which fictional character we would vote for president, I figured I would make it it's own blog post. I was first for Scooby Doo until Rick pulled in Luke Skywalker ... so then I switched my vote to Wolverine.

Which fictional character would you vote for president? And, if you were to pick their vice president, who would it be?

While cooking dinner last night my 10 year old comes to me ...

Little Foot: Momma, do you want another baby?
Me: No, honey. NoNo is the last baby around here.
Little Foot: What if you change your mind?
Me: I won't.
Little Foot: But what if you do?
Me: Well, I can't.
Little Foot: Why not?
Me: I can't have any more babies.
Little Foot: Oh. Okay.

She walks out of the kitchen to the livingroom and says ...

"Momma can't have any babies. She's spaded!"

Check out this review of my blog ...

"I just saw www.therogueangel.com/blog/. The color scheme is without compromise. Magnificent. Another pro: blondesense.blogspot.com put up a link to this page. The URL has 34 characters. This length scores best in usability studies. What a fantastic page! The page contains 235 links, a highly usable amount. It must have taken a decade to perfect the page. Of course, I expected the creator to achieve only the best. If only Microsoft would have a splendid page like that. There are 91,622 characters in the code, which is a cool length for search engine bots. The file is very structured. Supreme. Seeing The Rogue Angel, I'm simply speechless. (...) Magic." -- Fred Hamilton, Site of the Day

LOL! Hat tip to Iki.

You have got to see this!

I received this in the mail yesterday and wanted to share it before I headed off to church ...

Who's In Heaven?

I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
By the lights or it's decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp --
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics, the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
Who never said anything nice.

She, who I always thought
Was rotting away in Hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus,
"What's the deal?
I would love to hear your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.

And why's everyone so quiet?
So somber?
Give me a clue."

"Hush child," said He.
"They're all in shock.

No one thought they'd see you!"

I love it! Grace! We are all sinners and it is all about God's grace. :)

After some much needed talks with God, I have decided that I need to change my political party. My conservative values are not being met by my current party and I think that God is leading me to change my political views. I mean, really, homosexuals are the enemy. They are everything that is wrong with this country and they are doing everything they can to brainwash people into believing that they are actually human beings and not aliens from some other planet. And, abortion ... don't even get me started! That is an evil that must be made illegal now and I don't care how many women die as a result. They shouldn't be trying to get abortions if they are illegal. For that matter, they shouldn't even be having sex ... PERIOD. Well, not unless they are married and if they are and get pregnant and their husbands want them to get abortions, they need to divorce him and have the baby anyway. Even if they have no way to support themselves or the baby ... or even if they don't want the baby. And, they had better not even consider going on welfare! That is just lazy and God does not like lazy! He just cannot stand the lazy and the lazy are always poor ... and that tells you what He thinks of the poor. Forget what Jesus said. You don't even understand what He really meant anyway.

Also, I think it is time that we Christians need to get off our collective butts and make the world bow down to our beliefs. Whether or not you are a Christian, God is real and He wants you to do what is right. Which means that even if He gave you free will, we are not going to let you use it! We are here to save you! I don't understand why so many people hate us and wish we would just go away. We are so persecuted here in America. We are trying to prevent you from sinning so you can go to Hell without ever having homosexual sex, an abortion, or living off our paychecks ... and this is the thanks that we get.

I also believe that we need to declare war on all Muslim countries. Forget the crusades! They will have nothing on this Holy War! Islam wants to call itself the religion of peace, well we will just show them what true peace is! We will just wipe them out and let Jesus do the sorting! And, while we are at it ... we need to just go ahead and wipe out all those illegal immigrants, homosexuals, abortionists, liberals, progressives, prison inmates, and welfare recipients. Oh, and don't forget the pagans! They need to die too. And, the catholics! Once we get rid of all of them, we can have Heaven on earth and then Jesus will come and reign forever!

Have you heard that the Society for the Promotion of Individualized Theologies will be publishing two new translations this year? If you haven't, you should really check them out. I am particularly fond of the following translation ...

The Bible is the Very Word of God, inerrant in all that it teaches, including matters of history or science, and is useful for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness. Bite me, Charles Darwin!
-2 Timothy 3:16 (NCB)

It Seems to Me has the scoop. :)

Make up can do wonders ...

Tim Bete, of In The Beginning ... There Were No Diapers, sent me this in email and I wanted to share it with you here. He graciously gave me permission to copy it and I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. With Christmas right around the corner, I am sure you will get a big kick out of it!

'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS (BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED)
by Tim Bete

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even my spouse;
With only six hours left, until morning light,
Assembling kids' presents would take me all night.

19,000 pieces -- bolts, washers and screws,
To be put together, and me with no clue;
All I had for tools were some needle-nose pliers,
A Swiss Army Knife and a Phillips screwdriver.

When out on the lawn there arose such a racket,
I threw down my pliers and put on my jacket;
I swung open the door, to check out the noise,
And saw a red-suited man, bringing more toys.

I shouted, "Hey, you on my lawn, what's the idea!"
As my shrubs were being eaten by eight small reindeer;
The big man looked up at me and said with a smile,
"There's more to assemble -- it will take you a while."

"My kids don't need more toys," I countered right quick,
But he wouldn't hear "no," that stubborn Saint Nick;
"These new toys have detailed instructions," he said,
And he winked as he lifted a bag from his sled.

Then he pulled a bunch of woodchips out of his bag,
"It's a dollhouse," he said, as he looked at the tag;
"It has 6,000 small pieces, plus one or two,
You can make it if you have a gallon of glue."

"And, there are no axle holes on this toy car,
With only two wheels it won't go very far;
Perhaps you can whip up some rubber for tires,
I'm sure you can do it before you retire."

"But Nick," I pleaded, "don't you have simple toys?
Can't they build simply things -- those elves you employ?"
"How 'bout a ball, a rag doll or gun that shoots darts,
Or some other present made of only one part?"

Santa said, "Those kinds of toys are pass? these days,
It's complicated gadgets that are all the craze;
So, please take these here toys and I'll be on my way,
I have houses to get to and visits to pay."

"I don't want any more toys!" I yelled quite in shock,
Then I slammed the door shut and I secured the lock;
And I took off my coat and went back to my bench,
And tried to read the directions -- printed in French.

Then just as I found I was missing a screw,
That old coot came sneaking right down through my flue;
"You forgot all these toys," said the man dressed in red,
Then he put his sack right down and here's what he said.

"You're not alone staying up all through the night,
Dads all over the world are in the same plight;
They don't have the right tools, or any instructions,
They're eyes are bleary and they're minds don't quite function."

Then he left me there speechless, alone with my work,
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk;
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle;
But I heard him exclaim, as he jumped in his sleigh,
"You'll need 62 batteries -- all triple A."

Excerpted from In The Beginning ... There Were No Diapers by Tim Bete, ©2005. Used with permission of the publisher, Sorin Books, an imprint of Ave Maria Press. Available at bookstores, online retailers, 800-282-1865 and www.sorinbooks.com. More of Tim's work can be read at www.TimBete.com.

If you missed my review of In The Beginning ... There Were No Diapers, you can find it here.

I found this over at Müzikdüde's and just had to spread the love.

Go see what it was like in 1955. Then go gag.

And, please check out the Disclaimer (bottom of the page) at Müzikdüde's site. It just cracks me up. Between it and the Stupidford Stepford Wives Guide, you will pee on yourself.