While I love my parents, they weren't the greatest at helping establish in their children a healthy self-esteem. And, I have suffered many issues in my life as a result ... from picking men who were not going to commit to a real relationship or who were abusive ... to always feeling I had to be doing something for someone for them to see any worth in me. The latter became something almost pathological in my life.
Even with God.
I have always loved serving others. And, I have always thought it was because I was just that kind of person. I was just that giving. I was wrong. I am not that giving. I am not that selfless. I am human. I like to do for people but not always. I like for people to do nice things in return ... though I usually do not do anything for what I will get in return. But, I can't say that I don't like it when someone does something nice for me. That would be a big fat lie.
But, behind it all there is a need to be of some worth. To be useful. To be loved and thought well of. I didn't get much of that as a child. I don't think I have instilled much of that in my own children as well, as a result. I didn't even understand until last night that any of this was an issue for me.
Last night we had our third night of revival services and as the speaker started talking, I felt like the Lord was talking through him directly to me. I had spent the last twenty minutes on the balcony irritated, frustrated and in an all-around bad mood. I felt like going home. Then he started talking about how there were people there tonight who just weren't feeling God. The enemy was on them and was messing with them hard (he was much more detailed than I am being right now). And, he asked those people to come to the front.
And, I went.
While I was being prayed over, the man started speaking some things to me that touched me deeply. I won't go into it all here. Some of it was very personal and things God was giving him just for me. But what was said broke something in me. Moments later, a sister in our church came to pray over me and the Lord spoke through her to me as well, confirming what had already been said but expounding on it and adding a few other things.
God brought some things to my attention that I did not even realize were holding me back. He also spoke to some things I knew were issues for me but couldn't find my way around them. Where I couldn't, He could and He did.
But one of the things that He spoke to me was about my service to Him. He doesn't want me to serve Him so that He will love me. He already does. He wants me to serve Him because I love Him. My worth is not in my service. My worth is found in that I am a daughter of the King, loved so much that Christ would die for me.
Even with God.
I have always loved serving others. And, I have always thought it was because I was just that kind of person. I was just that giving. I was wrong. I am not that giving. I am not that selfless. I am human. I like to do for people but not always. I like for people to do nice things in return ... though I usually do not do anything for what I will get in return. But, I can't say that I don't like it when someone does something nice for me. That would be a big fat lie.
But, behind it all there is a need to be of some worth. To be useful. To be loved and thought well of. I didn't get much of that as a child. I don't think I have instilled much of that in my own children as well, as a result. I didn't even understand until last night that any of this was an issue for me.
Last night we had our third night of revival services and as the speaker started talking, I felt like the Lord was talking through him directly to me. I had spent the last twenty minutes on the balcony irritated, frustrated and in an all-around bad mood. I felt like going home. Then he started talking about how there were people there tonight who just weren't feeling God. The enemy was on them and was messing with them hard (he was much more detailed than I am being right now). And, he asked those people to come to the front.
And, I went.
While I was being prayed over, the man started speaking some things to me that touched me deeply. I won't go into it all here. Some of it was very personal and things God was giving him just for me. But what was said broke something in me. Moments later, a sister in our church came to pray over me and the Lord spoke through her to me as well, confirming what had already been said but expounding on it and adding a few other things.
God brought some things to my attention that I did not even realize were holding me back. He also spoke to some things I knew were issues for me but couldn't find my way around them. Where I couldn't, He could and He did.
But one of the things that He spoke to me was about my service to Him. He doesn't want me to serve Him so that He will love me. He already does. He wants me to serve Him because I love Him. My worth is not in my service. My worth is found in that I am a daughter of the King, loved so much that Christ would die for me.
This is so amazing! God can touch us and speak to us when we feel he is the farthest away. I remember a similar situation that happened to me. People think of God as this man shooting darts at people when they mess up or are not serving him to their ability but he is loving and will speak to us in the most loving ways. I pray God will be closer to you than ever before!!
agreed. serving Him comes out of love for Him not to earn His love. His love amazes me and I'm so thankful He doens't deal with me in the ways I really deserve. whew.
Hi Angel,
Since reading about your "dilemma" over on "Christian Bloggers" and praying for your guidance, I decided to stop by here. It sounds like you and the brethren within your church group are diligent and serious about seeking God, edifying each other, and countering false teaching and false conversion. I'm so glad to witness that through your stories.
Thanks for sharing this experience, and I agree: service comes because we love Him. I'm afraid I was under an illusion for a long time that I loved God, but I was definitely not acting like it. Praise God the Holy Spirit convicted my soul, breaking my heart and revealing where my life was still in need of repentance and sanctification. He has filled me with such gratitude and love because of His love and mercy for me!
I was reading your profile about the time of your life that you were not attending an organized church. It's been a while since I have been an active part of a regular church, but I've been praying diligently for God to guide me and show me where to go from here. Would you please pray with me about that? Thank you.
Hope you are doing well, and you're still in my prayers.
Ruth, I would be more than happy to pray for you on this matter. I have to admit, I benefit so much from my church spiritually and personally. They are my family and they bring me so much joy.